I found out that I was autistic about three and a half years ago. Before then, I knew very little about autism and how to address autistic people. I know there were definitely occasions where I said things that I shouldn’t have.
For some people, these things might be viewed as ableism, but I think it has more to do with ignorance and naivety in a society that forbids us from asking honest questions through fear of offending others.
It’s only through my own experiences that I’ve realised there are some things you should not say to autistic people. This is largely based on my own reactions to what people have said to me, something which you are not going to have experienced if you are not autistic yourself.
For that reason, I’ve decided to use what I’ve learnt to help educate others about what you should not say to autistic people in this article.
I wanted to preface the points by saying you shouldn’t feel guilty if you have said these things to autistic people in the past. At the end of the day, we’re all constantly working to better ourselves and how we talk to other people, so I hope this article helps you to do that.
Everyone’s A Little Bit Autistic
This is something people told me a lot when I was first diagnosed with autism, and I understand why. It comes from a place of reassurance, from people who want to let you know that you aren’t that different.
Despite this, it can often come across as though people are trying to minimise the struggles I experience because of my disability.
The truth is, if we were to look at the criteria for an autism diagnosis, everyone would be able to relate to at least one trait on the list. This doesn’t mean that everyone meets the criteria for an autism diagnosis.
To receive a diagnosis, you need to have many traits that span across several different categories of the diagnostic criteria.
At the end of the day, if everyone was a little bit autistic, society would function completely differently. Music concerts would be less popular, shopping facilities wouldn’t use such bright, fluorescent lighting, and social rules would be easier to understand. And that’s just the start…
To put it simply, saying everyone is a little autistic is like saying everyone is a little depressed because everyone knows what it’s like to experience sadness. While sadness explains one symptom of depression, it’s a very miniscule part of it, and you cannot necessarily understand depression just because you’ve been sad before. It just doesn’t make sense.
You Must Be A Genius!
This is something I hear referenced a lot in regards to autistic people. It’s not a surprise when the limited representation of autism in the media consists of people like Sheldon Cooper and Rainman.
There may be some truth in this, with studies reporting that around 10% of autistic people have savant abilities. When compared to the 1% of neurotypical people who display the same traits, we do have slightly elevated levels of intelligence.
For the other 90% of us, however, our intelligence levels are just as varied as those of neurotypical people. In fact, I’d say the most intelligent person in my family is my younger brother. Ironically, he’s also the only one of my siblings who isn’t autistic.
You Can Act Normal If You Try Hard Enough
The easiest way to respond to this question would be to say what is normal? And while that is valid, I think this goes further than that.
In my personal experience, this is usually said when I’m exhibiting obvious autistic traits, like stimming, in public. This might not be the intention of those who have said it to me in the past, but hearing this makes it seem like people are embarrassed by my behaviours.
While it’s true some of us can mask our autistic traits to appear more neurotypical, this is an exhausting task. It’s something I did subconsciously for much of my childhood, having learned from a young age that the way I acted was unacceptable.
After receiving my autistic diagnosis, I started learning that these behaviours were okay. I still struggle, but I’m definitely more authentically autistic than I used to be.
At the moment, one of my favourite stims is flapping when I’m excited. I would never have done that a couple of years ago, but now? It’s a completely different story.
But You’re Not That Autistic, Right?
Oh, god. If there’s a comment I’ve heard more than anything else since I received my autism diagnosis, it’s this one. I got so annoyed by it that, about a year after my diagnosis, I decided to write an entire ranty blog post about it.
You’re welcome to read that if you’d like, but essentially, I was talking about how the traditional idea of a spectrum doesn’t work with autism.
You see, most people think ASD is a linear spectrum, with high functioning at one end and lower functioning at the other. The reality is that viewing the autism spectrum as a colour wheel is far more accurate, with autistic people able to identify with traits from different sections of said wheel.
This works better for me because I can identify myself with traits from all parts of the spectrum. I struggle a lot in social situations, and with everyday tasks, but I don’t have as many difficulties with communication. That isn’t to say I don’t struggle at all, but I can recognise that my traits aren’t as severe as those who are completely non-verbal.
This allows us to more accurately represent people on the spectrum by talking about how traits affect people individually, instead of using unclear labels that make little sense when you think about how autism actually works.
I guess the main thing to take away from this point is that there’s no way of identifying how autistic someone is. Ironically enough, this comment is said to me the most on the internet, where people know even less about my disability than those who know me in real life.
You’re Not Actually Autistic Because You’re Nothing Like My Sister’s Child
I’ve had this comparison made about me a lot, and I know it’s a big problem in the autistic community. Lots of autistic adults are ignored because we don’t act like autistic children.
The only thing I can say to that is of course we don’t! And the reason why is simple; we are not children. Despite attempts to infantilize us, we are adults and have adult thoughts and opinions that should be respected.
Another thing that springs to mind is the quote, when you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person. Essentially, every single autistic person you encounter is going to be different, but this doesn’t make their story or experiences any less valid.
You’re Vaccine Damaged / It’s Your Parents Fault
Vaccinations are a hot topic online again at the moment, but even before then, I’d receive comments on my autism-related content about them. People would tell me that I am only the way I am because of my parent’s decision to vaccinate me.
For one thing, there is absolutely no evidence that backs this up. The one study that supported this has been debunked hundreds of times, but this seems to make no difference to those who believe it.
Additionally, current research suggests that autism is largely genetic. One study published in late 2018 found 102 genes associated with the condition.
Even if you do believe in the vaccination theory, however, expressing your beliefs on autistic people is a pretty horrible thing to do. Telling us that we are the way we are because of vaccines isn’t a great pick me up, trust me.
You Don’t Look Autistic
This is definitely near the top of my list when it comes to things not to say to autistic people. It’s something I used to really struggle to answer, for one thing.
What does autism even look like, anyway? I’ve become friendly with lots of autistic people over the years, and we all look completely different from the next.
The image above is a recent photo of me. Do I look autistic? How can you tell?
I guess I don’t look like the stereotypical image of autism that is portrayed in the media. I’m not a male, after all, and I’m not a kid. I can reassure you though that, despite this, I am definitely autistic.
You’re Actually A Person With Autism, NOT An Autistic Person
I’m not including this one to try to police how autistic people identify themselves. If you are autistic and prefer to identify yourself as a person with autism, that’s absolutely fine.
My issue with this statement comes when it is said to me by those who are not autistic themselves. I know it comes from a good place, with people quick to reassure me that I am more than my disability, but I find it really unhelpful.
The truth is, I feel like autism is a key part of my identity. It is as much a part of me as my gender, and you wouldn’t say I was a person with femaleness, would you?
This isn’t to say that I’ve got nothing else going for me. More so, I use it to signify that I do the things I do because I’m autistic, not in spite of it.
Have you ever found it difficult to know what to say to an autistic person? Did you find these tips useful?
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Kayla Jayn
I absolutely love that you’ve written this post. My younger brother is autistic, and people have said comments like the above to me about my brother. I have to say I am always on the defence for him, and I think that it is absolutely amazing that you’re happy to talk about being on the spectrum to help educate people. I’m still learning, we all are but people being open is a great way to start! Great job Rebekah 😘
Rebekah Gillian
Thank you so much, Kayla! I’m sorry to hear people have said ignorant things to you about your brother; it’s never nice when people do that! Life is a learning process so as long as we make an effort to learn, we’re all doing the best we can.
Bayla
I have struggled with depression, anxiety and self estrem my entire life. I was successful in school with the help of special ed and resource help. 40 years when I was almost 10 years old, I would have loved to have read my report cards. Austism and ADHD would have taken the place today of just LD back then. Now that Im almost 50, Ive learned many things about life.
1. Every person must be their own best advocate
2. You can’t expect anyone, professionals, adults or kids to know or understand what you are experiencing
3. ADHD is widely known but still very much unknown
4. Stereotypes still exist and people fight me on my diagnosis
5. Every person has a voice and if someone doesnt appreciate you for who you are, move on to the next one
Sarah 💜 (@SarahEliza_J)
Such a well written and needed post! As a psychology student I’ve learnt quite a lot about Autism and one of the things I always remember is no person with autism is the same- it really is a spectrum and that no one knows better than the individual themselves as to what is best for them.
Sarah x
http://www.saraheliza.co.uk
Rebekah Gillian
Thank you so much, Sarah! What you said about the autistic person knowing best is so true. People like to pretend we don’t always know what we want, but we should absolutely be listened to. Especially as adults, there’s no reason not to provide us with the same level of respect/freedom as non-autistic adults.
Annie
This was such an insightful post. I have to admit, sometimes I’d rather say nothing than say something that could potentially come off as quite rude or offensive. It’s really hard sometimes but I’m taking a lot away from this post so thank you so much for sharing!
CrazyFitnessGuy
I really enjoyed your post about what not to say to someone who has Autism. I am a blogger who has Autism as well perhaps we could connect on social media and perhaps do a guest post if you are interested? No worries if you don’t want to just a thought please take a look at my site as well.
Rebekah Gillian
I’m glad you enjoyed my post! I’d love to speak more about this. You can get in touch by messaging me at rebekahgillian@gmail.com.
Finding Kate 💫🍂🍁🔮 (@_findingkate_)
I think this is an incredibly well-written and insightful post, Rebekah! I know I’m guilty of not educating myself because – exactly as you say – I’m worried that in the process of trying to educate myself, I might offend someone, so posts like these are incredibly useful. It must be so frustrating to be on the receiving end of some of these comments, but how brilliant to channel it in to this post so you can help spread the word and prevent people’s ignorances! One of my closest friends is autistic, and he’s very open about it but I know that he too, has struggled with similar types of comment before, I’ll share this post for him to share with his friends and family as I Thought it was great.
Kate x
http://www.findingkate.co
Rebekah Gillian
Thank you so much for your lovely comment, Kate! It means a lot. I’m glad you found my post useful. It’s definitely frustrating hearing the same comments time and time again but like you said, being able to turn them into a good thing makes it worthwhile. I hope your friend finds/found this article useful, too!
Wamboee
I definitely enjoyed the post. We are often not nice towards people who are a little bit different often because we lack understanding and we disregard their feelings.
Rebekah Gillian
Thank you, I’m really glad you liked the post. It’s true that we have a tendency to be ignorant to those we don’t understand, but I’m hoping posts like mine will help change that over time.
Wamboee
Thank you for the great job that you are doing.
bournemouthgirl
I work with a young lad who is autistic, but I don’t treat him any differently. I just talk to him like a person rather talking to him different to others etc. Thank you for sharing!! Xx
Rebekah Gillian
That’s the best way to go about it, really! One of my biggest pet peeves is when people talk down to me/act like I’m incompetent because of my disability. It sounds like you’re doing a great job!
bournemouthgirl
Thank you lovely
Jenny in Neverland
This is an amazing post Rebekah and I think it’ll open a lot of people’s eyes. I can definitely see that some people probably just don’t KNOW enough and it’s the naivety. But that just shows that more education and awareness around it needs to be done.
Some of these things really are ridiculous and I can’t understand why anyone would say them?! It’s the same with mental illness too, “but you don’t look anxious!” doesn’t mean I’m not and, “just think positively!” are two of my worst.
Jenny
http://www.jennyinneverland.com
Rebekah Gillian
Thank you, Jenny. I completely agree with you; although most people generally know what autism is, we definitely need to think more about the understanding side of things.
Oh god, they’re two of the phrases I hate, too! It’s crazy how people think it’s acceptable to say things like that really, isn’t it? But it definitely comes from a place of ignorance. Someone close to me asked me why I couldn’t “just be happy” in regards to my depression last year, and it was because they didn’t understand, but it’s still frustrating!
Linn Chetty
Thank you for making us aware that others have feelings and it is not necessary to comment on stereotypes – I surely am guilty of that!
Rebekah Gillian
Thank you, Linn! I think everyone’s definitely guilty of it at times; the most important thing is that you’re aware that you’re doing it, and make attempts to change. Life is a journey and we’re all constantly learning, after all.
joleisa
Thanks for opening our eyes. I must admit that even though I’ve gone through so much training as a teacher I sometimes still struggle. Different people present differently. I am learning more though.
Rebekah Gillian
Thank you, Joleisa! I think it’s extremely difficult when you learn about autism from a professional standpoint, because so many of the ideals are so far off what the majority of disabled people actually want. I studied health and social care for three years and the amount of times I’d correct terminology or ignore what my lecturers were saying because I knew it wasn’t right was insane.
katielynnwhite2017
Brilliant message! I have a child on the autism spectrum and these comments are frequently said. Thank you for bringing light to this subject.
Rebekah Gillian
Thank you, Katielynn; I’m glad you found this helpful!
Chloe Daniels | Clo Bare
This is such a great post, and I think it’s not talked about enough. I think people THINK they’re being friendly by saying some of those things but this post does such a good job at explaining why those things we may think are nice are actually invalidating and demeaning. Really insightful post, and thank you for sharing.
Rebekah Gillian
Thank you, Chloe; I think that’s definitely it. People don’t always take the time to think how their words are coming across to others, and it’s hard to when you haven’t been in the situation yourself. I’m glad you found it insightful.
theordinaryblogger1
These are really useful tips! One of my friends has autism and it’s always good to learn how to handle it properly.
Rebekah Gillian
Thank you so much! I’m glad you found my post useful.
glowsteady
This is such an interesting post. I found the point about linear thinking vs a colour wheel particularly helpful, I’d never considered it that way before. My step brother is autistic and although he’s 19 now, he’s still very much a child in many ways. I think there’s more stigma around adults with it because it’s something so deeply associated with childhood and development, which confuses a lot of people. Great read! Really helpful and informative x
Sophie
http://www.glowsteady.co.uk
Rebekah Gillian
Thank you; I’m glad you found this post helpful, especially the part about a linear vs colour wheel spectrum. It blew my mind when I heard of it myself and made me understand myself a lot better, so I’m glad it helped you, too! I completely agree with what you’ve said about adult autistics, too; we definitely need more awareness that this condition continues through to adulthood.
Geraldine
Wow some of the statement you listed above that people have said to you is unbelievable! I can’t imagine ever saying that to anyone, whether you are autistic or not something that shouldn’t be said. Some people… Just need to stop. Altogether. 😂 And you are right, normalcy is not the same for everyone, as we have different definitions of normal! Thank you for sharing these, it was very helpful and informative! 🥰
Geraldine | https://geraldinetalks.com
Rebekah Gillian
I think it definitely comes from a state of ignorance a lot of the time; people don’t understand that what they’re saying is wrong until they hear why from an autistic person themselves. I’m glad you found my post helpful!
Mind and Love
This is a great post! Well written and informative. I learned a lot. I particularly related to how damaging comparisons can be and how exhausting it can be to pretend. Thank you so much for sharing!
Roger
https://www.mindandlove.com
Rebekah Gillian
Thank you, Roger! I’m glad you found this post helpful.
jennybhatia
Very well written and important post. This will help a lot of people. I think we stumble on words sometimes because we are not well educated on the facts surrounding the diagnosis of autism. Writing this piece and putting this out there for us to become more informed is useful, especially coming from you.
Rebekah Gillian
Thank you so much, Jenny! That’s definitely true; it comes from a place of ignorance as opposed to being right out horrible. I’m glad you enjoyed the post.
Patricia G.
I am on the autism spectrum as well, but sometimes when I try to open up to people and say I have autism, they say, ” You don’t have autism!,” because I am pretty high-functioning. I know they meant that to encourage me that I am more than my autism, but I found it totally invalidating of all the stuff I had to go through in order to appear more normal and “acceptable” to society. Great post, Rebekah!
Rebekah Gillian
Yeah, I completely understand where you’re coming from, and that’s very much how I feel about the whole situation, too. Obviously people aren’t saying to be mean, but hopefully with raising more awareness about this, people will soon understand it’s not a compliment.
MissLunaRose
Thank you for sharing this! Sometimes I get told that I don’t “look autistic,” and worse, they mean it as a compliment. It’s really not!
If it’s okay, I’d like to share an article about a few things people can say instead (in case they’re wondering):
https://www.wikihow.com/Respond-when-Someone-Says-They%27re-Autistic
Dany
I just pretend I don’t have asbergers for business reasons. I feel like I will get fired if they know so I fake being normal. By the end of the day I have to be alone between 6 and 10pm to recover, its so much effort!
Rebekah Gillian
Hello Dany, thanks for leaving a comment and sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. What you’re describing is something known as masking, and is something many in the autistic community do as a way to survive in environments not meant for us so you’re definitely not alone. I’ve been there myself and know the recovery period well; it’s definitely not easy!